don't be afraid, it's only love

[reassures]

why did I write this. fucking. god damn it. shit. fuck.

when did I even write this I think it was june.

posting this here so I don't forget it exists I already did that once.

The island that they had all referred to as Exsilium, somehow, was still in tact. Somehow the people that were trapped in this world - just the same as she was - had been able to find a happy medium. A compromise. People could live here for as long as they liked.

Or if they wanted to, they could leave.

If she were being totally honest, Nill wouldn't know how to give final words to people. She's never had the chance.

(That's a lie. When they had all escaped NeoGenesis, from the highest part of Elysium that they could reach, she and her friends had all hugged each other as if their lives depended on it, as if they would never see them again. Stalling, perhaps. Not a single person among them said goodbye, and that was for the best, because it was the only way Nill knew how to remember them now. years later the warmth they filled her chest with had not diminished.)

Now, for the first time in her life, she could see people off happily. She had never expected she would even live long enough for goodbyes, let alone have the opportunity for it.

She smokes halfway through a pack of cigarettes in the light off the moon, just past midnight, trying to figure out what she should do next, if she should leave, if there was a way to retain her memories of Exsilium. Nill has no idea, and that scares her, but there are some things are are much, much more important than what her courage can handle.

Kaneis is the first one that Nill goes to see. Neither know what they are going to do, but Nill says that she is going home, and that she would offer for him to go with her, but no one should be subjected to the island that she was returning to. He asks her if she will be okay, and Nill does not lie to him. Not for this, not for the last time they might see each other. She will try to make it better, she will do her best, but if she can't she does not know what will happen.

They don't hug. Nill reaches out and takes Kaneis's hand gently in hers, just for a moment, a soft but genuine smile spreading across her face.

She tells him what he meant to her, everything he did for her. All the tiny little things, or the important things. Saying in their very first conversation that she was just Nill. She had trusted him from that moment on, and he had never betrayed that trust.

The two part ways. Neither says goodbye, and neither says they will meet again.

After that Nill goes back to the huge cabin that she has stayed in for the past several months. She stands in the doorway for several minutes before finally crossing the threshold. When she unties her boots she leaves them near the entrance, pulling her socks off so her bare feet can pad across the cold floor for the last time. Stepping further in, Nill takes a seat on one of the couches in the living room. There's a florist in town, though an expensive one considering the conditions on the island, and Nill very gently and very carefully sets the bouquet on the coffee table in front of her. No flower looks like the next, no color is the same; there don't seem to be any duplicate flowers at all, each one a different species. She's been told that flowers are common at funerals, and though this is not a funeral, it is a memorial. Some day someone will come here again, even if they never knew any of the people that had been there before, and they would know that this place had been loved, while the people who lived within it had been loved even more.

Nill lights a cigarette, and leans back on the couch, tucking her legs beneath her as she exhales smoke. It smells more like home than flowers ever could, feels more natural in her lungs than air at times.

It's not long before Kanaya arrives and joins Nill in the living room, taking a seat opposite the couch Nill is on. She does her best to make sure the smoke doesn't get near Kanaya - a small perk of having some skill in regard to psychokinesis. The two sit in silence untiil Nill's cigarette has been burned down to the filter. She licks two fingers so that she can put the cigarette totally out without making a mess, lights another one before, finally, she looks up at Kanaya. A small smile spreads across Nill's face, and she holds up a finger, reaching instead to open the bag at her side.

She produces two small flasks, and sets one on the table for Kanaya, while the other flask is meant for herself. The two sit in relative silence, taking quiet sips from their flasks and grimacing as needed.

Softly, Nill speaks, her eyes drifting up to the ceiling though her attention is on Kanaya.

"There once was a crooked man, and he walked a crooked mile."

Nill takes another sip from her flask, and the voice continues speaking, not needing to stop for her to drink.

"He lived in a crooked world, and he wore a crooked smile."

She exhales smoke.

"At the end of his crooked walk, the crooked man left behind a crooked clock."

Nill flicks the ashes off the end of her cigarette, into a cup she has nearby.

"And long after the crooked man was gone, his crooked friends could hear the clock ticking on."

Nill is a light weight - she stops taking sips from her flask after about two-and-a-half shots worth, and then spends a few quiet moments finishing off her cigarette. She places the filter into the ash cup, and sets her flask aside, before moving to stand. There's just the moment of pause, a brief kind of uncertainty, before Nill crosses the few feet of space between them. She bends down slightly and wraps her arms around Kanaya's shoulders as best she can, pulling her into a very light, gentle embrace.

"Please," Nill says, the voice in Kanaya's head warm and reassuring and gentle. "Live for as long as you can. I hope you will be happy."

After that Nill pulls away so that she can she can reach for one of the guns at her side. She carefully sets it down on the coffee table before reaching for her other gun. She sets that down too, and then follows up by placing a clip for each gun down as well, side by side. She would be able to get more later, easily. The way Nill saw it, they would do Kanaya more good than they would her.

"Please live, Kanaya."

The quiet smile spreads across her face again, and for a moment she touches Kanaya's shoulder, a small, reassuring gesture, while Kanaya stares on, shocked into silence. It's an unspoken 'see you later'; Then, without another word, she heads for the door.

Just before she walks out, Nill stops just a few inches from the door, from the world beyond it, hesitates because she's not certain when anything will be good again after this. She runs her finger tips over the wooden door frame, a lump immediately forming in her throat. Her back is to Kanaya, and Nill lets out a quiet, shaky sigh.It had felt like home here, and she had so missed having a real home. It had made her so, so happy. It had taught her how to be happy again - she'd spent so much time around miserable, broken people that for a long while Nill couldn't remember how anymore. She had learned how to live again in this place.

But even if she wanted to stay in Exsilium, remain in this world, she couldn't stay in another empty house. Couldn't survive listening every day as it became emptier and quieter until there was nothing left. Nill leans forward, pressing her forehead to the wood.

'Goodbye,' she thinks, and she pulls the door open to step outside, shutting it quietly again behind her.

Nill watches the dark sky above her, the empty darkness of it in the port, and she thinks she understands now why Nico said people associate black with wickedness and death. She pulls her black coat tighter around her as she steps through the snow.

She meets with Lisbeth, briefly and for only a few moments. She tells Lisbeth that it does not matter where she goes, what she does - she doesn't want her to go to Jesse's world, because Jesse will never care about Lisbeth more than he does the drugs, but she could do that if she wanted. She tells her, firmly but kindly, that no matter what Lisbeth decides, she must not go back to the Port, no matter what.

Nill leaves Lisbeth, and Lisbeth does not follow her.

There are a few people left on Nill's list, people that she has known and liked even if she did not know them well, but she saves the most important one for last.

The day that Gilbert goes back to his own world is the same day that Nill decides to leave as well. They meet by chance on their way to the transporters, and the two share Nill's last few cigarettes as they walk, otherwise silent. They enter the building at the same time, and someone chides them for smoking, but there are only a few drags left of the cigarette anyway. They stay near the entrance, Nill trying to keep the smoke from spreading through the room with her telekinetic abilities, and she finally looks up at Gilbert, a soft smile on her face.

She asks him if he plans on returning to his own world so that he can find Oz - not because she thinks he wouldn't, but because she just wants to take a few moments to talk to him, just in case something goes wrong. Just in case she doesn't see him again.

Because Gilbert, even though he doesn't know it, remembers her. He remembers the feeling in his chest, the love, even if he doesn't know why, as if it's been engraved on his soul but not his mind, and every time Nill can feel that she wants to cry with joy, with sorrow. It's the most hope she's ever had, because maybe, somehow, this will happen again one day. Someone might remember that they loved her and she had loved them, even if they do not know why.

Gilbert finishes the cigarette, and he asks quietly what Nill is going to do from here, where she will go, as if he knows that she isn't going somewhere good. There's an unspoken invitation there, an offer. She could go with him if she wanted, and for one, awful moment Nill almost asks if she can. Nearly wants to leave with him because at least then she would have someone, somewhere.

Instead, the smile on her face softens, and for a moment she has to blink back tears.

"I'm sorry. I need to go home now. There are people waiting for me."

Gilbert looks stricken, but he says nothing. He wishes her well, in the awkward way that he has at times, and he only realizes what she's doing a moment before she reaches into a pocket on his jacket.

What she pulls out is an old, cheap little lighter, and judging by Gilbert's expression, he doesn't know how it got there. Nill holds it gently in her palm before placing it into a pocket of her own.

"Thank you for carrying this burden for me. I think I'm strong enough now that I can carry it on my own again."

And Gilbert, poor Gilbert, he looks so confused, but he also seems to understand, and that is enough to make the tears she'd been trying to hold back spill from Nill's lashes. She reaches up gently to touch his cheek while she pulls him down, and then stands on her tip toes so that she can kiss his cheek.

Gilbert, in true awkward Nightray fashion, sputters and blushes and fumbles, and it makes Nill giggle despite the tears on her cheeks.

"I'm going to go on ahead now, Gilbert. I'll see you again soon."

The gesture seems to have gotten rid of the morbid atmosphere. Gilbert flushes and nods, and he doesn't look at Nill as she walks past him to head to the transporters.

She places her hands in her pockets, and her fingers close tightly around the lighter, while Nill closes her eyes and waits to be sent back to the Port.

. . .

It's sunny out. Yosuke's opened the shutters, and light streams in through the windows, waking her from the light doze that she was in. Nill opens her eyes, looking tiredly out the window as she blinks the sleep away.

She doesn't remember a thing.