reassures | SIRENSPULL

[He reaches to steady her when she wobbles, but when she recovers he pulls his hand back. It's better not to be intrusive, especially when she's this upset. So he follows her down the corridor, close but not too close. Everything is going along fine, and he's just wondering if he shouldn't maybe bring her some tea or some water or something, when she whispers in his head.]

[It might as well be a punch in the stomach. It is, really. It's such a painful, unexpected blow that he feels it physically. Yosuke sees stars. Has to close his eyes and focus on consciousness to retain it. He sinks down, woozy and miserable, to his knees. Those are his words again. Thoughtless, and directed at someone else but still overheard by Nill. Still taken seriously enough to hurt her. He's been trying so long to give her back her hope, but in the end, he's the one who took the last shred of it away from her. She's really given up now.]

[Yosuke struggles to his feet and darts out. There's nowhere to go, really. It's not like he can get away from himself, and he couldn't leave Nill right now if he wanted to. Anyway, he doesn't want to. So instead he stands in the kitchen, trembling and panicked and furious with himself. He'll bring her tea...that...doesn't really do shit. He ends up hanging over the sink, heaving painfully but not bringing anything up. It's probably good that he didn't steal one of the pastries on his way over, the way he usually would have. Ugh. He needs to pull it together. He can kick himself all he wants, but it'll have to wait. Right now, Nill needs him.]

[He straightens back up, splashes some water on his face, then gets a glass of it for Nill. When he gets to the bedroom, he sets the water down in easy reaching distance for her, then plunks himself down against one of the walls, rubbing his face with his good hand.]

I didn't mean that. I was angry when I said it.

[Nill's eyes are closed under the blanket, and for once, she doesn't mind the darkness behind her eyelids. It wasn't warm, but it was a little better than keeping her eyes open. Her head ached and her eyes stung and her throat felt raw, and it was nice to just lay there for a few moments.

She doesn't try to say anything, even as Yosuke sinks to the ground. Even as he blames himself for her misery. She can't bring herself to. As she was right now, she couldn't make anything better. Nothing felt better, nothing would ever get better, so how could she possibly make it better? How could she make this awful world seem any better when she couldn't even make it seem better for herself? She couldn't even smile.

She shouldn't have said that, though. Even if the thought was already in his head, even if he'd already said it to her, she shouldn't have said it. It was a mistake, even if it was true. This was Naraka, but Yosuke didn't need to know that. He just needed to keep thinking it to himself without her saying anything.

Was he right, though? Had she given up hope? ...It felt like it. If feeling like this was hopelessness, then it made a lot of sense. It wasn't even something that hurt, it was just that nothing would ever be okay again. ...He didn't need to know that, either.

Nill hasn't moved at all when Yosuke gets back, and she continues to stay still. Not really because she wants to, but she doesn't really have the energy or drive to move much more than she has.]

I know.

[It didn't mean he hadn't meant it, though.]

Edited 2012-08-31 01:16 (UTC)

We'll get out, okay? We'll all go home one day.

[He doesn't believe that anymore, hasn't in a while. But it's his job to be the one who says it. He knows it is. Nill can't pick herself up right now, so he's going to have to do it. And if he can't do that either, then he'll wait in the dirt beside her until she feels strong enough again. That's all there is to it.]

Don't give up yet. It isn't over yet.

My home doesn't exist anymore.

[She pushes an image at him, quiet and hesitant; it makes the room they're in change. Where Yosuke had a moment ago been in Nill's room in the boarding house, he's now in a small, messy apartment, with a hall off to the side with four doors in it (bathroom, three bedrooms), and a kitchen attached to the main entrance room. It's cluttered and messy, but there's a table with four chairs at it, and a more traditional covered table in front of the TV.

The memory, though brief, comes with an indescribable feeling of warmth, one that Nill can only manage to show him for a second. Then he's back in her room in the boarding house, and all the warmth that place held is gone with it.]

I don't want to go back to my world, either.

[She hadn't even cared where she was, as long as she had her family with her. Now they were all gone.

[It's easy to understand why she'd be so heartbroken over it. There's a sense of belonging there. It's something he can't quite grasp, but he's always chased after hungrily. Rabidly, even. When Souji had accidentally introduced Yosuke to a new world, he'd clung tightly, with all he had. That was something special that they shared. Though, he supposed, that was gone now too. And it certainly hadn't been a home. He can't imagine how it must feel to finally find something like that, and then have it ripped away.]

[But he can see it. He's been watching it happen to Nill all along. That sharp, angry feeling that twists in his guts every time something hurts Nill takes a stab at him again, so hard that he wraps his good arm over it and doubles up a bit. It makes him angry, so angry he shakes a little. How is it that such awful shit can keep happening to the same people, over and over? It's not fair.]

[He knows he's not a part of that. he knows that he doesn't belong in that little apartment with the good vibes, try as he might to squeeze in and fill one of those holes. He'll always be the wrong shape for it. The wrong guy. But maybe...maybe he can find some way to make something feel good for her again. It would probably be easier if he wasn't a walking ghost to her, but that's a problem for later. For now, he understands what the matter is. He just needs to think of a way to make it more bearable for her.]

Come with me, then. My world isn't perfect, but there are nice things there.

[It hurts a little bit to think about that place now. She can only muster so much of the warmth that had once lingered there inside of her, and usually even when she did it left her feeling more alone than she had before she tried to remember it. But Nill was sure that if she didn't think about it, she'd forget what it had felt like there, and that scared her. Losing that happiness terrified her. Sometimes she thought it was the only thing that still scared her.]

Only if you let me go with you.

[She shifts a little under her blanket, and pushes herself up to sit up. She reaches over for the water he left her, and takes a sip of it, letting out a long breath.]

I won't ever stay at home while people I care about are out doing dangerous things again.

In the TV, you mean?

[Well, he knows the feeling. It's the only thing he and Shika ever really fought about. Not that Shika had bothered to fight back. He'd just dismissed it, like it didn't matter at all. Something bitter tickles the back of his throat, and he shoves the thoughts away. Being angry at Shika right now isn't going to help Nill any. Instead, he nods.]

I wouldn't want to do it without you.

If that's where you go, then yes.

[As much as Nill knew about her senpai, she didn't know a great deal. She didn't know the things he fought or the way he fought or where he fought. She rarely even saw Jiraiya.]

Then I'll go with you.

[She doesn't believe it will happen... but it's a nice idea. A nice thought. Even if Souji would be there, too.]

Sure. Everywhere.

[He's sincere about it, too.]

Anywhere is fine.

[Anywhere, everywhere. She wasn't picky. She just didn't want to be left behind.]

Yeah. Wherever.

[After a moment of being utterly still, Nill lifts a hand to locket around her neck. She probably did that a lot in December, and it's doubtful Yosuke's ever seen her without it.]

Promise?

Yeah. Like I said, I wouldn't want to do it without you.

[Nill nods, and move to lie down again, still holding on to her necklace. Still lying down, she reaches back, and she undoes the clasp to it, and drops it on the ground beside her pile of pillows.

Just for tonight, she doesn't want to think about it, and the promise Shika hadn't kept to her inside of it.]

...I'm going to try to sleep.

Good idea.

[He doesn't move, though. Just stays where he is, leaning against the wall. There's nothing worse than waking up alone and having that moment where you forget what's wrong and then remember. He'll just hang out and make sure that doesn't happen to her.]

[If Yosuke's sticking around, then she's not going to sleep very well. But she pulls the blanket over her head again and closes her eyes, and she doesn't move again.]

[Sadly, Yosuke can't read thoughts, so he's unaware -as usual- that he happens to be disturbing Nill. He just lays on his side against the wall after he figures it's been long enough for her to get settled, and closes his eyes to try and get a few hours of sleep before he goes to find her breakfast.]

[It'll probably be fitful sleep, which won't help NIll any either. He still has bad dreams most nights, but usually the only person it disturbs is Keigo, who seems to be used to it by now.]

[Sorry, Nill-san.]

[It's fine. She doesn't entirely care - and it'll probably make him feel better this way, even if it doesn't do her any favors. She can get some proper rest after he leaves.

So for now, Nill spends most of the night dozing, startled awake every so often by Yosuke. It's not horrible, anyway.]

[Yosuke startles himself awake as well more than once, but he doesn't get up to go anywhere until the first strands of dawn start to make their way across the sky. Then he sits up sleepily and stumbles his way to the bathroom, trying his best -and failing a few times- not to trip over anything and make noise. Ow! What idiot left their shoes...oh. He did. Right.]

[...Yosuke you klutz. :| In the time he's gone, though, Nill dozes off again, grateful to have his noisy head momentarily far enough away for her to manage it.]

[gets a quick cup of tea and then peeks in on her, only long enough to see that she's still asleep. So he sets the other cup down for her and grabs his shoes on the way out. Whenever she wakes up there will be breakfast waiting for her, and instructions not to bother coming in to work. The Cat's Eye will be closed for the day.]

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