reassures | SIRENSPULL

[It's a bit of a juggling act with just one hand, but he manages. The water ends up in the kettle, and he puts it on to heat. He wracks his mind for something to say that won't make them both want to throw up, but it's kind of difficult. This is the only thing that's happened lately-Shika is gone. So far no amount of searching for remains or standing around in empty baseball diamonds hopefully has changed that. Even daring to venture out and look around at night...nothing. There was just nothing. Almost like he'd never been there at all. And that thought really is sickening. Yosuke hurries to change the subject.]

It was nice out today. Sunny. A nice temperature, not so chilly. I still can't believe how different the summers are here to the ones at home.

Edited 2012-08-21 01:59 (UTC)

[Nill begins to look a little green around the gills when Yosuke starts thinking about Shika - or the lack of him really - and quickly takes another bite out of her pastry, trying to drown the sound out. She doesn't want to think about that. Can't. If she thinks about how there's nothing of him left in this world, as if he had never existed in the first place, she won't be able to bear it.]

It gets chilly here a lot.

[The small talk seems so empty though that she doesn't really feel like trying to keep it up. She's not sure when she ate last though, so the pastries at least are nice.]

I don't think it's ever warmed up at all. Where I came from, your clothes would just stick to you all summer.

[Okay, so that's gross. But it's still better. Yosuke's hand shakes a bit when he sets out a teacup for Nill. After a moment's consideration, he takes out a second one, too. Nill is easier to talk to than Uryuu, but harder not to say the wrong thing to. He has to watch his thoughts around her, too. But at least she's giving the pastry a go. It's lucky that Gilbert is getting used to making foods he's never heard of, because the protein disguised as filling in those pastries is no mistake. He definitely wouldn't expect her to have been eating much for her own sake. But Nill had always seemed more likely to do things for someone else's sake anyway. He really would have to thank Gilbert for that.]

I walked into a light pole earlier. Just didn't notice it and walked smack into it. It kind of hurt, and a bunch of people stared.

[It probably won't get a laugh like it might on a good day, but at least it's not a story about sweating a lot.]

It must get really hot.

[It isn't something she can imagine. Nill has always lived in cold places. It was a norm - in her own world, it wasn't even something that ever changed. You were never really hot there, ever. Seasons just didn't exist there. Nill closes her eyes, and she recalls one of the flickers of memories she saw in Davesprite's head. A rooftop towering high in the sky, the sun close enough to touch, everything hot enough to burn. It didn't seem close to what Yosuke was talking about, but it was probably closer than anything she'd personally experienced.

But remembering Davesprite makes her shudder, because he's gone too. Everyone is gone, now, and she doesn't have a single thing left. It's just her, and there's no one left to confirm her memories. To make sure they were real. To tell her they remembered (or couldn't remember) the same things she did or didn't remember, or to understand the experiences she'd been through.

She was all alone, and Shika was dead, and he was a liar.

"Always here", he said.

Liar.

Try as she might, though, Nill couldn't really be mad at Shika. Mostly she was just heart broken, because Shika was gone, and he probably wouldn't be coming back this time.]

You should be more careful. You'll break your nose again.

[She sets her pastry down on a napkin, mostly eaten, and reaches for the teacup. If it's empty she'll just spin it lightly with her fingers.

She doesn't smile, though, and she doesn't laugh. Most of her movements seem oddly mechanical, like she's not really behind them, not really thinking about it. Running on autopilot, or at least trying to. She's a little too tense for it to be perfect, but god if she isn't trying.]

Totally miserable.

[He confirms, though there's almost something wistful in it. The seasons here blend together, it's so temperate. Nothing like home at all. Except that it is home these days. His old life almost doesn't seem real. It was definitely never as crazy as any of this.]

[Yosuke sees Nill playing with the cup and remembers about the tea. Oops...He grabs it-ow! Right. Hot, of course it's hot. He knew that. He tries again, this time using a towel so he won't get burned, and pours the water over the tea leaves. It shouldn't take long to steep.]

Yeah, I guess so. I'll try to pay more attention.

[It's obvious to Yosuke that Nill's not engaged by the conversation. There's a hundred little tells that give it away. But he can't blame her for that. Who cares about his stupid face, anyway? It's just a distraction. He stills her cup long enough to put some tea in it for her, and tries to come up with another one.]

Edited 2012-08-21 06:46 (UTC)

[She holds the cup even while Yosuke pours the tea, despite him also steadying it.

She knows that she should be more compassionate. She hasn't stopped listening to him - she rarely does now that he speaks to her telepathically so often now - but the more she listens, the less she feels capable of empathizing with any of it. Mostly it just makes her sadder; She'd never stopped failing him, and now he was miserable too. He was questioning, even slightly, whether or not his last life was real, and that would only get worse over time.

Her expression falls a little though, and she finally looks up at him again properly. Where before she just looked old and tired, now she looks miserable.]

Don't do that. Please. I do care, I just...

[She ducks her head and looks into her tea cup. Her hands have started trembling, and she pulls them away from the cup to put one hand over the other to try to make them still again while she takes a deep breath.

She couldn't do this.]

Hey...

[The tea gets set aside and forgotten, and he grabs one of Nill's hand in his own. Crap. He's just upsetting her, and that's the opposite of what he's trying to do. He knows she can hear him thinking, but it hadn't occurred to him that taking a shot at himself might send a ricochet her way. What a stupid thing to do.]

I didn't mean that. Okay? I just-you know I have a big mouth.

[Even if he hadn't actually said it out loud. But 'a big brain' didn't work, either. He sighs a little, and then remembers that he's not supposed to be sighing in front of her.]

Do you...uh. Do you want to talk? I could be the one who listens this time.

[If Nill had her way, he'd never take shots at himself. But alas - things just don't really work that way, and stopping him from thinking that way is all but impossible.

She shakes her head almost immediately to his offer, but she doesn't pull his hand away from his. She feels horrible for this. He isn't supposed to be the one looking after her, she's supposed to look after him. That's how it's supposed to be now.]

I can't.

[Her voice is unusually small in his head, as if she can't really bring herself to say it. It might be a mumble, if mumbles could feel miserable and alone and grey.]

It won't bring him back.

[He's pretty sure he can actually feel his heart break at that. He's been wrong all this time, thinking Nill was frail. She's been so strong, through so much shit, for so long. But at some point, it's just too much to ask of someone. Maybe she needs permission to let herself hurt, or maybe she's forgotten how, or maybe she's just afraid she'll get lost in it. But he's not going to let that happen, no matter what. If she needs help, he'll help her. If she gets lost, he'll find her. That's all there is to that.]

No. But you have to let it out somehow.

[No. No, Nill is pretty sure Yosuke was right. She's too frail. Too weak. If she'd been stronger, if she could have done it better - anything better - maybe Shika would have asked for her help. Maybe he wouldn't have gone alone. Maybe, by some miracle, he would still be here-- or, she thinks more selfishly, she'd be with him, and maybe she wouldn't have to feel at all then.

She lifts a hand to her mouth, and shakes her head again. Her hands are still trembling, and so are her wings, shaking slightly down to the tips of her feathers. She's trying so hard not to cry.]

It won't bring him back.

[It never does. She cried for days and weeks and months whenever someone she loved was gone. She never really stopped crying, and it never, ever brought them back, no matter how much she wished it would.

It never made them stay with her, either.]

[There's no real argument for that. It's true, he knew that even before he came to this place where people disappear left and right. Crying over someone won't bring them back. That's not why you do it. You do it because you can't help yourself. Because it hurts, and if you don't, everything turns off. That stillness, that emptiness he was so afraid of in the hospital when he was medicated-he's pretty sure that's what happens if people stop letting themselves feel sad about things. And he definitely can't let that happen to Nill.]

[Yosuke crouches down in front of her. He doesn't take his hand away from hers- for the first time ever he's glad he broke his dominant arm. That makes it easier. He warns her first, because these days he understands shying away from being touched unexpectedly -I'm going to hug you. Or try, anyway- and then he does.]

[He folds the plastered arm around her tiny shoulders, and rests his cheek on the top of her head. It's a bit pathetic, but it's the best he can manage. And it feels important, somehow. He's pretty sure she really needs it.]

[Nill stills a little when Yosuke hugs her, but she doesn't pull away, and she doesn't push him away, either. It takes her all of a second to really start shaking, like she's trying to hold some tidal wave at bay that only she can see, and she's just not strong enough anymore.

It wasn't like she could ever get over the loss of Shika. He'd been everything to her for so long. When they started - really started - there was only the three of them, her, Shika, and Yosuke. Naruto came along a little later, and they were four. They stayed four for a long time, too... no matter how many people around them disappeared, or died. Even when they all started changing into people they didn't recognize anymore.

Then Yosuke died, and Naruto disappeared, and Shika was the only one she had left. Everyone else she had cared about before then was gone. So she tried to stay content knowing that at least Shika was there with her. She saw him when she looked up at the sky, or when the sun was shining. He was there whenever she smelled someone smoking a cigarette, or saw a picture of a deer. She owed the fact that she was even here to him and him alone. If she was the sky, then her millions of stars and sun and moon were gone, and Shika was the last thing left - the clouds, even though neither of them could see much anymore, and all their colors were gone - and now she was just empty. There was nothing left inside of her except these giant, gaping holes.]

He should have made it to the end. He deserved it.

[Yeah. She remembered that jab Yosuke had made; it was meant for himself, naturally, but now she was just angry about it, because he was wrong and that was bullshit. But she doesn't sound angry, she just sounds pitiful.

Her voice is quiet though, and her shoulders have started jerking with suppressed sobs. She leans into him just the slightest bit because it's too hard, and she can't fight.

Now more than anything, she wanted to go home. Back to that crowded apartment in that city that stole away their real lives.

They should have died with that city. It would have been kinder than this.]

[Yosuke sucks in a sharp breath at that comment. She might as well have actually punched him in the gut, for how well the comment lands. It's the second time in a handful of minutes that something he's said about himself has been turned around like that, and even he can't help but admit that aimed at anyone else it's an awfully venomous thing to say.]

[He sighs, rib still not taking well to being expanded that way, and tips his face down, almost trying to hide it in Nill's hair. He stays that way for a brief moment, and then shakes himself out of it. No. He can't soften on her now. She needs him to hold her up. She'd never ask, but she needs a wall to lean against for a while. So he straightens up again, and tucks her back under his chin. He kinda deserved that anyway, and he knows it.]

The end doesn't happen here. I was wrong, alright? That's...he was still fighting. That's all that counts, right? If you get up every time someone knocks you down, you still don't lose. You d-

[Die with honor, but he can't even say it. Some wall he is. But if he doesn't blink, and the tears don't fall, maybe it'll still be enough. Maybe he can at least be a fence for her.]

[Nill hadn't entirely meant to hurt Yosuke with the comment (she likes to think she hadn't, but she probably had, because sometimes he needs someone to punch him and she doesn't have it in her to do it most of the time, didn't back then either), but it's still a little nicer to listen to his reaction than her own thoughts. Her own thoughts are just full of sadness; nothing she wants to deal with right now, let alone ever.

Yosuke never seems to understand that Nill is a terrible person, and maybe he needs to learn that some day. ...Just not today.]

Does it matter how it happened?

[She shudders, and there are tears running down her cheeks. She's never understood the idea of honor. Honor didn't keep you alive. Honor didn't save you from terrible situations.

Honor, frankly, was shit.]

He's gone.

[Maybe he was dead - and for them, that would be the best thing that could happen. Maybe he just didn't exist anymore, and nothing could ever hurt him again. Or, maybe he's still out there somewhere, trapped in some new hell. She doesn't know, has no way of knowing, but anyone that thinks he just "went home" is an idiot.

It didn't matter though, because even if he didn't exist, even if he didn't have to hurt ever again, even if he got the best ending-- he still wasn't there with her, and he never would be again.

It's fine if Yosuke is a fence, though. She doesn't need him to be as strong as a wall, wouldn't even expect that of him. She just-- needs him to stay there, so she can wrap her arms around him and sob against him.]

He promised me, and now he's gone.

[A flare of anger runs through Yosuke, hot and bright and surprisingly intense. But it dies out almost immediately, snuffed under the cold cloak of grief and regret. Whatever the hell Shika did, Yosuke is pissed at him. Furious. But if the guy were standing there right now-]

[That thought is oddly disorienting. It doesn't feel all that long ago -and yet it feels like forever- that Shika was standing there. Holding Yosuke, not that differently from how he's holding Nill right now, while his world fell apart. No matter what, Shika would always be a hero to him. So he shoves the anger down and away, and does his best to set the grief aside too.]

[The best thing he can do right now is this. When Nill finally starts to let herself cry, Yosuke sends some love her way. Not the huge bursts that he sometimes accidentally throws at her, but more like the calmness she gave to him when he needed it after the hunt. A gentle, unobtrusive feeling. Because Nill needs to be sad, she can't just bottle it up or push it away. But when she needs to come up for air, there will be something for her to grab hold of, too. So he sits there, and holds her, and lets her hold him, and he thinks love at her. It's all he knows to do.]

[It's pitiful. Nill has always been the person that cries. When the world was falling apart, and everyone was fighting, the only things that she could ever do were run and hide and cry. She'd cried when she ran away from them to make it easier on them and she'd cried when she'd died, and now Shika was gone, and she couldn't stop herself from crying about that, too.

There are days she really can't stand herself. But the tears turn into sobs quickly, though it mostly just sounds like awkward gasping since there isn't any vocal sound to go along with it. But Nill sounds miserable, and even though she's practically clinging to Yosuke, there's no sign of her calming down any time soon.

The love helps a little, but mostly, she doesn't want to think about it... Yosuke was the only person there she'd ever feel that from again.]

[Nill doesn't need to calm down, as far as he's concerned. She just needs to feel it, because it won't go away if she doesn't. So he stays where he is, and lets her pull him closer if she needs to, or push him away if she needs that. He hums something soothing in his head, partially for her benefit, and partially to keep himself from thinking. It's always his thoughts that fuck things up, and it's important not to fuck this up.]

[After a while he starts unconsciously humming it aloud, too. It doesn't sound as sweet as it would if his throat were fully healed, but it's a nice, low, somewhat staccato vibration with a bit of vocalization simply because she's always liked the noise before. ]

[When his knees start to feel a little sore, he shifts his hips so he's kneeling a bit to one side of that. And there's another side if that one starts to smart. And he'll make Gilbert bring him some kneepads if that's not enough. He's been expecting this for so long, that it's a relief to finally see it.]

[This time the kiss he plants on Nill when she's distracted is on the crown of her head. It's light, natural, and not waiting for a return. It's just a way to remind her that someone is there, and that her pain is acknowledged, and that she'll be cared for no matter what.]

[Whether the message gets through or not isn't important at the moment, it's only important that it's sent out into the universe. He promised Shika he would look after Nill. He owes it to them both. And anyway, he wants to. She's looked after him enough times now, it's good to be able to return the favor, even if it hurts.]

Edited (..typo whoops) 2012-08-24 04:09 (UTC)

[It isn't going to go away if she feels it, either. It's just going to be this horrible, aching feeling in her chest, where her loved ones had been and no longer were anymore. It didn't even seem accurate to say that it was her heart that hurt, because it was everything. Her entire chest. She felt like she was suffocating when she breathed in, and there was a rattling ache in her chest cavity when she breathed out, as if her heart had shriveled up and was now clanging against her insides. It was like the world would never be a beautiful place ever again, and why should it be? Why should clouds exist if Shika wasn't here to look at them? Why should there be persona users if her senpai wasn't one of them? Why should ramen exist if Naruto wasn't the one making it?

For as much as Nill had tried to hold onto it over the years, there was nothing good left in her world. Just a boy who was too nice and too unaware of himself and too fond of her, who should have never gone near her in the first place.

She hardly registers the humming. She's too busy sobbing, and if she had a voice, she'd probably be screaming. Alas.

Her arms tighten around Yosuke just the slightest bit a few moments after he kisses her forehead, but otherwise, she shows no signs of stopping. She can't stop. It's physically impossible for her to do so, even if she were to try.

Eventually, though, the tears do run dry. And though Nill's chest is still heaving, and her eyes are red and puffy and bloodshot, there's nothing left for her to cry. After a moment of trying to get her breathing under control, she slowly pulls away from him.]

[Yosuke lets Nill draw back when she needs to, though not without giving her hand a squeeze first. He's more than a little shaken by the display, and at some point he stopped trying to hold his own tears back. But he swipes his face with his sleeve once, and nods at her. Alright, good. She definitely needed that.]

[When he gets to his feet something pops painfully-his knees, he thinks- but it's only a bit of stiffness from kneeling in that same position on a hard surface for so long.]

Let's get you upstairs, to bed. Your head must hurt.

[Nill nods without really looking at him, and pushes herself up to stand. She wobbles a little, but manages to steady herself after a moment. She's not sure she really feels any better than she did before. Crying didn't help, exactly, but it did exhaust her. She wasn't sure if that was good or bad. She was sure that if she slept, all she'd see were the blank eyes of someone that was never coming back.

She rubs at one of her eyes briefly, and glances up at Yosuke, before heading down the hall to her room. She fumbles with the door knob for a moment before she finally manages to get it open.

Inside the room is dark. Despite it being daytime, the shutters are still down over her windows, and her plants are wilted (though only slightly). Nill slips into the room, and as she does, she says something again, so quietly that Yosuke might think he was hearing something if the voice wasn't in his head.]

This really is Naraka.

[She takes a few more steps, and all but collapses onto her pile of pillows, curling up on her side and pulling a blanket over her head.

Yosuke had been right. This was Naraka, and she was never going to get out of this place.]

[He reaches to steady her when she wobbles, but when she recovers he pulls his hand back. It's better not to be intrusive, especially when she's this upset. So he follows her down the corridor, close but not too close. Everything is going along fine, and he's just wondering if he shouldn't maybe bring her some tea or some water or something, when she whispers in his head.]

[It might as well be a punch in the stomach. It is, really. It's such a painful, unexpected blow that he feels it physically. Yosuke sees stars. Has to close his eyes and focus on consciousness to retain it. He sinks down, woozy and miserable, to his knees. Those are his words again. Thoughtless, and directed at someone else but still overheard by Nill. Still taken seriously enough to hurt her. He's been trying so long to give her back her hope, but in the end, he's the one who took the last shred of it away from her. She's really given up now.]

[Yosuke struggles to his feet and darts out. There's nowhere to go, really. It's not like he can get away from himself, and he couldn't leave Nill right now if he wanted to. Anyway, he doesn't want to. So instead he stands in the kitchen, trembling and panicked and furious with himself. He'll bring her tea...that...doesn't really do shit. He ends up hanging over the sink, heaving painfully but not bringing anything up. It's probably good that he didn't steal one of the pastries on his way over, the way he usually would have. Ugh. He needs to pull it together. He can kick himself all he wants, but it'll have to wait. Right now, Nill needs him.]

[He straightens back up, splashes some water on his face, then gets a glass of it for Nill. When he gets to the bedroom, he sets the water down in easy reaching distance for her, then plunks himself down against one of the walls, rubbing his face with his good hand.]

I didn't mean that. I was angry when I said it.

[Nill's eyes are closed under the blanket, and for once, she doesn't mind the darkness behind her eyelids. It wasn't warm, but it was a little better than keeping her eyes open. Her head ached and her eyes stung and her throat felt raw, and it was nice to just lay there for a few moments.

She doesn't try to say anything, even as Yosuke sinks to the ground. Even as he blames himself for her misery. She can't bring herself to. As she was right now, she couldn't make anything better. Nothing felt better, nothing would ever get better, so how could she possibly make it better? How could she make this awful world seem any better when she couldn't even make it seem better for herself? She couldn't even smile.

She shouldn't have said that, though. Even if the thought was already in his head, even if he'd already said it to her, she shouldn't have said it. It was a mistake, even if it was true. This was Naraka, but Yosuke didn't need to know that. He just needed to keep thinking it to himself without her saying anything.

Was he right, though? Had she given up hope? ...It felt like it. If feeling like this was hopelessness, then it made a lot of sense. It wasn't even something that hurt, it was just that nothing would ever be okay again. ...He didn't need to know that, either.

Nill hasn't moved at all when Yosuke gets back, and she continues to stay still. Not really because she wants to, but she doesn't really have the energy or drive to move much more than she has.]

I know.

[It didn't mean he hadn't meant it, though.]

Edited 2012-08-31 01:16 (UTC)

We'll get out, okay? We'll all go home one day.

[He doesn't believe that anymore, hasn't in a while. But it's his job to be the one who says it. He knows it is. Nill can't pick herself up right now, so he's going to have to do it. And if he can't do that either, then he'll wait in the dirt beside her until she feels strong enough again. That's all there is to it.]

Don't give up yet. It isn't over yet.

My home doesn't exist anymore.

[She pushes an image at him, quiet and hesitant; it makes the room they're in change. Where Yosuke had a moment ago been in Nill's room in the boarding house, he's now in a small, messy apartment, with a hall off to the side with four doors in it (bathroom, three bedrooms), and a kitchen attached to the main entrance room. It's cluttered and messy, but there's a table with four chairs at it, and a more traditional covered table in front of the TV.

The memory, though brief, comes with an indescribable feeling of warmth, one that Nill can only manage to show him for a second. Then he's back in her room in the boarding house, and all the warmth that place held is gone with it.]

I don't want to go back to my world, either.

[She hadn't even cared where she was, as long as she had her family with her. Now they were all gone.

[It's easy to understand why she'd be so heartbroken over it. There's a sense of belonging there. It's something he can't quite grasp, but he's always chased after hungrily. Rabidly, even. When Souji had accidentally introduced Yosuke to a new world, he'd clung tightly, with all he had. That was something special that they shared. Though, he supposed, that was gone now too. And it certainly hadn't been a home. He can't imagine how it must feel to finally find something like that, and then have it ripped away.]

[But he can see it. He's been watching it happen to Nill all along. That sharp, angry feeling that twists in his guts every time something hurts Nill takes a stab at him again, so hard that he wraps his good arm over it and doubles up a bit. It makes him angry, so angry he shakes a little. How is it that such awful shit can keep happening to the same people, over and over? It's not fair.]

[He knows he's not a part of that. he knows that he doesn't belong in that little apartment with the good vibes, try as he might to squeeze in and fill one of those holes. He'll always be the wrong shape for it. The wrong guy. But maybe...maybe he can find some way to make something feel good for her again. It would probably be easier if he wasn't a walking ghost to her, but that's a problem for later. For now, he understands what the matter is. He just needs to think of a way to make it more bearable for her.]

Come with me, then. My world isn't perfect, but there are nice things there.

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